Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now