(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
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How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”