You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money