Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Still cracks me up
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*