Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag