Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I want this so bad
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
when someone rings the doorbell
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die