Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
one of
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My blood type is b hungry.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.