It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.