My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show