Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff