I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.