ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
You Might Also Like
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.