happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.