Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.