I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
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I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking