“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.