“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA