God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.