there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
worst…sale…ever
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying