Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
What’s so funny?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life