[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Everyone’s family
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Seems kinda suspicious
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.