Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”