Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
favorite tropes as memes
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!