If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
the world’s most popular steaming services
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
for all #parents out there
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*