My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.