I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
#ProTip
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*