My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
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It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.