If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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Expectations vs. Reality
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker