[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.