Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Lmao 🤣
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
this chia pet tastes awful
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
LA today:
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.