@velvettusk

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

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@HatfieldAnne

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

@AndrewChamings

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

@girlontapas

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

@maryfairybobrry

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

@DomBorrett

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

@aotakeo

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

@schumoo

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate