If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???