What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My time has come.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”