If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.