The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes