newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
You Might Also Like
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.