do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”