ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Worst perfume name ever.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off