Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?