My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.