Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
it must be school picture day
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear