At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Oh deer
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
At least my masseuse has my back.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?