At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.