Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
✌️
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions