“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.