There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
You Might Also Like
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Word.
~ Microsoft.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I’m giving up for Lent.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!