I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
bears
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?