Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.