Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
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[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.