Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
where the womens at?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
just having fun
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Y’all ready for this
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.