Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him