where the womens at?
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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
S O O N
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
#parenting
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”