Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
selfie game
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water