If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
You Might Also Like
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
This is me
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
PARKOUR
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead